Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Diagnosis and Treatment
So now I have diabetes...it's unreal to me, like it doesn't really exist, other than in the numbers on my blood sugar monitor...
I think I have probably had it for a long time. Back to Nutrasweet and goodbye to candy and desserts...the way dinner here at ol' PC has been going, the desserts were sometimes the only good part of the meal. Boy, their new chef is erratic...I wouldn't come back to this restaurant after paying $13 for a few tablespoons of gravy covered with a square of pastry ("chicken pot pie"--my ass). Food is a big part of my miniscule world and now I feel a heavy burden, having to pay attention to everything I eat, poking my poor fingers every day, and not eating all sorts of wonderful things I love.
Well you can bet I'm gonna make this trip to Florida my last hurrah for eating anything I want--they have such gourmet, wonderful food! If I can only keep my mom from constantly reminding me...not too optimistic about that...
Bri helped me all day trying to get packed...it's so hard to pack for plane trips, especially with dressy clothes and clothes for warm weather and clothes for cool weather and entertainment for us and the computer and meds and glucose meters, etc. I'm looking forward to BEING in Florida, just not to GETTING there and back. Leave it to the weather to dump snow all over my travel day when I switched it erroneously to AVOID the snow. Oh well...
I will miss my LOVE but hope to call and compute and otherwise keep connected...and remember that we ARE always connected. I am so thankful to be sharing my life with my soulmate...he is the BEST and I love him beyond expression.
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Connecting the Dots
Reading some material about gastric bypass surgery (which got me quite drowsy so I will have to continue another time!), I began thinking about connections. For example, between past sexual mistreatment (the term I prefer to "abuse") and body image. And the depressing reality that the antidepressant drug that keeps me balanced in so many other areas of my life has virtually eliminated my sex drive and ability to derive sexual pleasure. What irony, eh? It's not helping in the relationship arena, and it makes me feel robbed, both of a natural function and my right to pleasure, and especially of my ability to please my husband, my love, who is having enough difficulties without this, too.
Other thoughts bouncing around inside this aching head are more ill-defined...feeling as though I've always given myself away upon promise of approval. I did so many things I didn't want to do because I thought that afterward I would reap the reward: a relationship, love, whatever. A whore for positive regard.
So I just got a message from my therapist that she can't see me on the scheduled date and time this week, and wants to see me instead on Saturday at 12:30. Why do I have this strong belief that weekends are inviolate; appointments are for weekdays, and weekends are for quality time--uninterrupted by business. The connection that follows is that I view therapy as business. In a way that's true: it's hard work. But I should be, and am, thankful for my therapy sessions. So why am I so disturbed by this?
So here we are, back to the giving in to prevent disconnection. I didn't tell my therapist in my return email that her schedule changes are really NOT alright with me. I've scheduled appts around the ones she had given me before; now I feel a bit used and abused, although I'm sure that's not her intention. My initial email said it all: that I preferred later appts, that I preferred weekday appts, etc. But I took all that out and was the nice girl, so as not to disrupt our relationship. It feels like I'm soliciting approval to assure goodwill. I do a lot of that. A lifelong pattern. Perhaps that's why I need so much therapy...
That and anyone who is still connecting the dots at 51 really is in NEED of therapy! Time to move on to painting (even by numbers) or, perhaps, basketweaving...
